i should have run to you.
i should have run to you.
yes, i should have run.
and i did. our first date is seared into my memories, and after that evening, when you walked me to my door and twirled me around and kissed my cheek was when my feet picked up the pace to keep up with my heart, already bolting.
you fulfilled my fears--or did i create them?... you weren't seeking what i was...
but i wasn't ready for what i was seeking... i only thought i was...
in a silent moment while the ocean washes up to my feet, splashes up to my hips, to my torso... i see you.
across from me. sitting on your bed. sun shining through the small window that overlooked the street you lived on. it was a nice street near a nice park. Summer, Bed Stuy, 2015. forks playfully darting salad. i try to stab some lettuce but you cut me off. you flirt. i don't know how to flirt back in this way. you're still new. i look at you. all of the love in the entire world resides in those big brown eyes. that wide smile, full of laughter. is it love that i see?
you are big. you are as big as the Sun and so is your heart.
i should have run to you.
you were an angel when i needed you most. unconditional love, i could not keep you, i never tried.
maybe just a little, i should have tried.
but i didn't. and that was it.
you remained when you should have
and parted when you should have
and it has taken me long to accept things the way they are.
releasing all of my past, you are the one chord i let remain.
until i snipped so a new could grow.
so we could be friends, if fate allowed.
and i will always love you and the ways you loved me
uninhibitedly and unconditionally. you taught me
more than i expected and probably more than you ever meant to.
i wasn't ready, i cowered, i let fear run the show. sometimes i wonder if i stepped out of fear and allowed myself to love you the way you allowed yourself to love me, presently, even if not fully–what could have happened. what still could happen.
i should run to you.
(photo)